DeTomaso Mailing List: December 97, Message #35
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YOOO People & Dogs Too, While Andy and Shane continue to tell people that "we don't got a problem", they did agree to hand over the reins to me MAD DOG to kill the problems many of you have had in recent weeks with the site that they haven't done shit about anyway. I appreciate the opportunity to serve you and look forward to our continued progress. LEAD FOLLOW OR GET OUTTA THE WAY... What I've done is put together a little questionaire which I ask each of you with a problem to complete and forward to my attention. Do NOT send it to Andy or Shane because they have obviously proven they don't know what the hell their doing. I DO! I can't fix the problem if I don't know what the problem is so please let me know ASAP and do so IN WRITTING. The Site Report form follows... _____________________________________________________________ De Tomaso Computer Site Problem Report Form: 1. Describe your problem: ________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ 2. Now, describe the problem accurately (Example: Shane and/or Andy): ___________________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem (Example: Curt Spamming, Shane and/or Andy, etc): _______________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Strange Smell__ 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ 7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes__ 10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__ 11. Did they make it even worse? Yes__ 12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__ 13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe__ No__ 14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__ 15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__ 16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ 17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ 18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ 19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__ 20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR?__ 21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__ 22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__ 23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes__ No__ 24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__ 25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__ 26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet__ 27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__ Anyway, I encourage those of you who don't race anymore (like Jack!) but do have a PC problem to get this questionaire into me asap. YOUR BUDDY, mAD dOG, IRA P.S. Suppose Edgar Allan Poe Used a Computer: Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having ached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made monstrous noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Timidly I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted, words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying."Abort, Retry, Ignore?" I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Then I tried in desperation, sev'ral random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, mocking, winking, flashing nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" There I sat, distraught, exhausted; by my own machine accosted Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, > > Ignore?" > > > > To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes. What > > demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored, Beyond the > > reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in black holes? But > > sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one > > day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, > > Retry, Ignore?" > > > 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 > > MICROSOFT > THE WRITING'S ON THE WALL > > The following were found scribbled into the stall wall at Microsoft, > courtesy of MAD magazine. > > > Bill Gates downloads here > > Do not flush mouse pads down the toilet! > > To flush, press handle. You do not need to hold Control, > ALT and Delete at the same time. > > Your mother's so fat, it took me 25 minutes to download a picture of > her from the WEB! > > 88888888888888888888888888888888 > > A little Shakespeare sent by Richard Wimer > to the computer jokelist <JOKES@why-not.com> > > To Compute... > Or Not To Compute... > That Is The Question... > Whether 'Tis Nobler In The Memory Bank.. > To Suffer The Slings And Circuits Of Outrageous Functions... > ...Or To Take Up Arms Against A Sea Of..Transistors, > Or Rather Transponders... > Transcondu-- > Trans... > Er... Oh, To Hack With It. > 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 > > Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful > nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy > and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., > the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft > Corporation. > > &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& >