DeTomaso Mailing List: December 97, Message #42
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Dennis Antenucci wrote: > > YOOO People & Dogs Too, > While Andy and Shane continue to tell people that "we don't got a > problem", they did agree to hand over the reins to me MAD DOG to kill the > problems many of you have had in recent weeks with the site that they > haven't done shit about anyway. I appreciate the opportunity to serve you > and look forward to our continued progress. > LEAD FOLLOW OR GET OUTTA THE WAY... > What I've done is put together a little questionaire which I ask each of > you with a problem to complete and forward to my attention. Do NOT send > it to Andy or Shane because they have obviously proven they don't know > what the hell their doing. I DO! > > I can't fix the problem if I don't know what the problem is so please let > me know ASAP and do so IN WRITTING. > The Site Report form follows... > _____________________________________________________________ > De Tomaso Computer Site Problem Report Form: > > 1. Describe your problem: > Can't find the controls for the computer > _____________________________________________________________ > > 2. Now, describe the problem accurately (Example: Shane and/or > Andy): > Wonder-woman____________ > ___________________________________________________________ > > 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem (Example: Curt > Spamming, Shane and/or Andy, etc): > Aj, aj aj aj these hot buritos______ > __________________________________________________________ > > 4. Problem Severity: > > A. Minor__ > B. Minor__ > C. Minor__ > D. Trivial, Check! > > 5. Nature of the problem: > > A. Locked Up__ > B. Frozen__ > C. Hung-ry all the time > D. Strange Smell__ > > 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No, just plugged > > 7. Is it turned on? Yes, Hahahoho__ No__ > > 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes, unfortenately No__ > > 9. Have you made it worse? Yes, it laying upside down > > 10. Have you had "a friend" who "Knows all about computers" try to > fix it for you? Yes, we have no bananas No__ > > 11. Did they make it even worse? Yes, they had a few bananas__ > > 12. Have you read the manual? Yes, 5-speed ZF No__ > > 13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe, 6 speed__ No__ > > 14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No?__ > > 15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes, the Pioneer speakers speak japaneese, I think__ > No__ > > 16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself. > No bananas U know_____________ > __________________________________________________________ > > 17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem > occurred? > Washed it in liquid soap___________________________ > __________________________________________________________ > > 18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in? > what's logged in________________________________ > __________________________________________________________ > > 19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes_!_ No__ > > 20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes_!_ What's a > VCR?__ > > 21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? YesNoYesNo__ > > 22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes No bananas__ No__ > > 23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes, my electric burito cooker__ No__ > > 24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No, if not Mad Doggy__ > > 25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes plenty of times__ No__ > > 26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet_X_ > > 27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes?__ > > Anyway, I encourage those of you who don't race anymore (like Jack!) but > do have a PC problem to get this questionaire into me asap. > YOUR BUDDY, > mAD dOG, IRA > > P.S. Suppose Edgar Allan Poe Used a Computer: > > Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System > manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the > warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having > ached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. > > Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited > for the disk to store, > > Only this and nothing more. > Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, > Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some > more. > "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One > thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, > Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" > > Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were > choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully, I weighed > the choices as the disk made monstrous noises. The cursor flashed, > insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must > press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From > "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" > > With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard > bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, > Praying > for some guarantee Timidly I pressed a key. But on the screen there > still persisted, words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they > blinked > and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying."Abort, Retry, > Ignore?" > > I tried to catch the chips off-guard - I pressed again, but twice as > hard. > I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I > swore. > Then I tried in desperation, sev'ral random combinations, Still > there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor > blinking, mocking, winking, flashing nonsense as before. Reading, > "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" > There I sat, distraught, exhausted; by my own machine accosted > Getting > up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then > I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp > of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped > my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, > > > Ignore?" > > > > > > To this day I do not know The place to which lost data goes. What > > > demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored, Beyond the > > > reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, in black holes? But > > > sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one > > > day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, > > > Retry, Ignore?" > > > > > 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 > > > > MICROSOFT > > THE WRITING'S ON THE WALL > > > > The following were found scribbled into the stall wall at Microsoft, > > courtesy of MAD magazine. > > > > > > Bill Gates downloads here > > > > Do not flush mouse pads down the toilet! > > > > To flush, press handle. You do not need to hold Control, > > ALT and Delete at the same time. > > > > Your mother's so fat, it took me 25 minutes to download a picture of > > her from the WEB! > > > > 88888888888888888888888888888888 > > > > A little Shakespeare sent by Richard Wimer > > to the computer jokelist <JOKES@why-not.com> > > > > To Compute... > > Or Not To Compute... > > That Is The Question... > > Whether 'Tis Nobler In The Memory Bank.. > > To Suffer The Slings And Circuits Of Outrageous Functions... > > ...Or To Take Up Arms Against A Sea Of..Transistors, > > Or Rather Transponders... > > Transcondu-- > > Trans... > > Er... Oh, To Hack With It. > > 888888888888888888888888888888888888888888 > > > > Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful > > nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy > > and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C., > > the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft > > Corporation. > > > > &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& > >