DeTomaso Mailing List: July 98, Message #238

The Top Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

   Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave
   her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then
   she's yours.
          --Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

   Find a prostitute and marry her.
          --Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

   Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by
   watering his flock.
          --Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

   Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of
   the deal.
          --Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

   Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance,
   grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
          --Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

   Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note:
   this will cost you a rib.
          --Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

   Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand
   in marriage.  Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman.
   Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to
   marry in the first place. That's right.  Fourteen years
   of toil for a woman.
          --Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

   Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's
   enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
          --David (I Samuel 18:27)

   Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and
   you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of
   course.)
          --Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

   Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty
   contest.
          --Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

   When you see someone you like, go home and tell your
   parents, "I have seen a woman; now get her for me." If
   your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her
   for me. She's the one for me."
          --Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

   Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four
   sons though).
          --David (2 Samuel 11)

   Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not
   just a good idea, it's the law).
          --Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus,
   example in Ruth)

   Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
          --Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)