DeTomaso Mailing List: December 98, Message #192

Top Honors for "Human Projectile of the Month" go to an as yet unidentified
dude who, we are told, is also a serious contender for the annual Darwin
Award. That prestigious prize is given posthumously to the person who does the
human gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most
extraordinarily stupid fashion.  Well, the Darwin folks might see it that way,
but we consider it a gallant if not brainless form of ballistic research.

Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got into this historic event after
motorists reported some mysterious scorched blackened scars on a stretch of
deserted highway. The more officers found, the stranger the case got, until
they pulled back, regrouped, and launched a full scale investigation.

Here's what they kind of 'pieced' together JATO units are basically huge
canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve "Jet Assisted Take Off"
typically lifting big transports into the air from rough--ground short runways
or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers.

They are not, REPEAT not, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a
1967 Chevy Impala. But we guess, lets call him "Zippy" didn't know that when
he hooked one up to his ride.

Ole "Zip" apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long, lonely
piece of straight as a string highway in good repair. Not guessing he might
need a bit more than five miles "Zoom" surface. Zippy's test track had, that
far down the strip, a gentle rise on a sloping turn.

Anyway the Zipster kicked the tire, lit the fire, and ran his Chevy up to top
cruising speed and then he hit ignition!

Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended
patch of burned and melted asphalt. The pocket calculator boys figure Zip
reached maximal thrust within five seconds, punching that Chevy up to well in
excess of 350 mph continuing at "full burn" for another 20-25 seconds.

Early in that little sprint at roughly the 2.5 mile mark, the "Human Hydra-
shock" stood on the brakes melting them completely, blowing the tires and
rapidly reducing all four skins to liquifuel trails on the pavement.

Remember that gentle rise on the turn? That's where "Zippy concluded his land
speed record attempt and went for aerial honors, ultimately reaching an
altitude of 125 ft. and still climbing when his flight was abruptly
terminated. We'll never know how far and how high "The Big Zip" might have
gone. A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in the way, posing a "Serious"
violation of the laws of physics vis a vis two chunks of matter attempting to
occupy the same space at the same time. "Zip" gave it a try though, blasting a
three foot deep crater in the VERY terra firma.

The best modern forensic science could do was ID the cars make, model, and
year. As for "Zip", only trace evidence was found of bone teeth and hair in
the crater and splinters of fingernail embedded in what is believed to be a
piece of the steering wheel. If there isn't room for this one in the Guinness
Book Of Records, there darn sure ought to be an honorable mention in
Weatherbys.