DeTomaso Mailing List: November 2000, Message #115

>  the real use of Pantera workshop tools
>
>  HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
>  as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
>  we are trying to hit.
>
>  MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
>  cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
>  containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
>
>  ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their
>  holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
>  mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear
>  wheel.
>
>  PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
>  HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
>  principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
>  and the more you attempt to influence its' course, the more dismal your
>  future becomes.
>
>  VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they
>  can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
>
>  OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
>  objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
>  brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
>  DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
>  bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
>  your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
>  you were drying.
>
>  WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
>  the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
>  hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "Ouch....."
>
>  HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you
>  have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle
>  firmly under the front fender.
>
>  EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a
>  hydraulic jack.
>
>  TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
>  PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
>  floor jack.
>
>  SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
>  spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-poo off your boot.
>
>  E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
>  ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
>  TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup..
>
>  TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
>  strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
>  disconnect.
>
>  CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
>  inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
>  the handle.
>
>  BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from
>  a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
>  battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
>
>  AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
>  TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
>  light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is
>  not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its'
>  main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
>  105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
>  Battles of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is some-what
>  misleading.
>
>  PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
>  paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
>  name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
>
>  AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
>  plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
>  hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 50
>  years ago by someone in Meriden, and rounds them off.
>
>  PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
>  you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
>
>  HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 " too short.